I used to flinch when I saw my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at myself and criticizing every little detail from my weight to my frizzy hair. I hated P.E., I always heard whispers and snickers in the locker room even when there were none. I have this voice in my head, I call it my ‘ugly’ voice, and it tells me everything that is wrong with my physical appearance. My ‘ugly’ voice got louder when my “high school sweetheart” assaulted me during senior year. I remember him saying that he would’ve never done it to a prettier girl. He handed my ‘ugly’ voice a megaphone that completely changed how I saw myself – My ‘ugly’ voice went on to affect my self-worth. The more years I denied the truth, hid the past, and let my ‘ugly’ voice dominate the louder and louder it got.
I realize now that the saying “we are our own worst critics” is true, for me at least. It has been an impossible journey for me to come to terms with everything and to acknowledge that I am not the hideous monster my ‘ugly’ voice claims. It was hard to silence but the people in my life gave me strength to hit mute.
I’m fairly sure this may be one of the first times I have openly talked about this part of my life. My ‘ugly’ voice still peeps up every now and then, especially during shower time. But it whispers now, thanks to my friends. I cannot say I cease to struggle with my body image, but now I happily say I’m pleasantly plump.